Thursday, June 2, 2011


Just a quick thank you to all of you devoted fans who sent in Horn-Polishing Solution in response to our last post! It means a lot to think that all of you are such amazing followers, and even more amazing is that you had Horn-Polishing Solution (or similar) on hand! Here is what we have received in the mail so far:

1) A Dirty, smelly sock containing a live cobra and embroidered with the words "To Agent Pizza. My regards, G__t_" But there were some holes in part of the last word. Not sure who sent it, but I'm sure they meant well.
2) One bottle of "Kennie's All-Purpose Cleaning Solution" with small print reading "Only to be used on traffic cones and chalkboards".
3) One broken bottle that seems to have contained some sort of tar-like substance.
4) A nightstand made of toothpicks and marshmallows, or rather, what little remains of said nightstand.
5) Three rather confused-looking pelicans.
6) A salt shaker.
7) A round, black device with some sort of fuse sticking out, that seems to be on fire. Perhaps an exotic candle design.
7) A "LOST CAT" poster featuring a picture of a Christmas Tree. There's an autograph and message reading "This was all I had on hand" on the back.
8) Two strange bits of a fabric-like material, one with "us" on it, the other with "o" embroidered in the fabric. Very strange.

So as you can see, we got a total of 9 helpful gifts, but unfortunately none of them are very helpful.

Hold on a moment, I think I can hear a loud rumbling noise coming from a lower deck. And somebody seems to be shouting "What idiot put a bomb in the mail room?". Hmm... must be a loud radio program or something.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Consequences of a Horn

Well, as I told you guys before, Gusto managed to destroy the main source of revenue for the ship, and as such, we are out of horn-cleaning fluid. Now, you may think this does not have any real problems attached to it, but a thorough look at Zora would reveal otherwise. You see, Zora is very proud of her spotless spotted horn collection, which is extremely large, and she likes to keep them in perfect and spotless condition. Unfortunately, when we ran out of horn-cleaning fluid and were unable to buy more via Delivery Squid, Zora became highly distressed and was unable to say anything but "Honk" for a day. Not that she ever says anything else, but still. It was tragic.

Unfortunately, it turns out that one of her most prized horns is one of the few Pambom horns on the face of the Earth, which come from the rare Pambom plant. The Pambom is a picky vine that will only grow on Palm trees at exactly 46 meters above sea level, but for it to successfully bloom, it must move downward exactly 1.5 meters every month after sprouting. Thus, it will only grow on Palm trees that are on a slow-moving landslide, and such an occurrence is hard to come by. But once the vine does come to a bloom, the flower will wait for approximately 19 days before the petals fall off and a single horn emerges, which is harvested as a Pambom horn. By the way, the Pambom plant was named such because of the Acronym "Prettiest And Most Beautiful On Maui", because the first Pambom seeds originated in Maui and it is a very beautiful plant.

Now, the horn is very special, because it contains a rare combination of poisons that are normally at the right levels to cancel each other out and become harmless. However, when dust settles on the outer shell of this horn, it is absorbed and upsets the levels of poisons, causing the substance to become highly toxic.

Do you see where this is going? If Zora can't clean her prized Pambom horn, then it will become very poisonous and release toxins into the air. And since Gusto has effectively cut off all of our horn-cleaning solution funds, it is only a matter of time before it becomes dirty.

So, that about sums up our dilemna. If anybody has a bottle of Horn-Cleaning Solution, we would be relieved if you could send it to us. We are currently located in the ocean.


Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Cannon Surplus, Macaroni

Well, once again, I have horrible news. Although we tried very hard to prevent it, Gusto has actually managed to destroy our cannon supplies with his Macaroni Machine 3008.14 . Here is the full scoop:

Gusto created his machine after Chizu noticed that we had a huge surplus of cannons, which is strange because we always seem to have a lot of cannons on this ship. I investigated this matter a few weeks ago, in fact, and discovered an enormous cannon manufacturing center between the 7th and 9th decks, which accounts for the missing 8th deck of our ship. I was about to report this find when Gusto accidentally threw some dynamite at me and missed (a common pastime of his, both the dynamite part and the missing and hitting large and expensive targets part). The whole facility came crashing down, and Nadine immediately came down to investigate the source of the noise. She called a meeting, and this is what happened:

Gusto: It wasn't me!
Agent: It was too! Just check the video footage!

At this point everybody reviewed the video footage of the incident which Zora had been recording for no apparent reason, and agreed that Gusto was in fact responsible.

Agent: See! It was him!
Gusto: Okay, fine, perhaps it was me.
Nadine: Gusto! This is crossing the line! I have put up with you releasing scorpions on my favorite Dance Dance Revolution game, launching Zora's cannon incorrectly, getting a second Gusto to come aboard (which one are you, incidentally?), blowing up half the ship, blowing up the hole ship, sinking most of the ship, and stealing a fish from the freezer, but I will not stand for you destroying an entire floor of the ship!
Chizu: Oh come on, it isn't that bad! He didn't mean to hit the facility!
Agent: Yeah, he only meant to hit ME!
Chizu: Well I still think you are making a big deal about this.
Eréndira: But without any cannons, how will we travel with efficiency in this modern age? For more information, see my graduate paper: Cannons in the industrial revolution: Efficient travel, gunpowder usage, and the best way to tame naughty ostriches. You see...
Chizu: *in tears* It wasn't his fault! He is a good penguin at heart!
Eréndira: ...And then in paragraph 6, I discuss the many uses, pros, and cons of cannons as compared to planes, buses, trains, and skateboards, comparing mobility and range. Then, in paragraph 7, I talk about good aiming and the potential side effects of bad aim. And...
Chizu: *crying profusely* And I mean, he is just so sweet! And he baked me a cake once! I think... wait, that was a rock. But still!
*silence falls*
Nadine: Alright, so, since we are all in agreement that Gusto caused this, inadvertently or not, I think I have a reasonable punishment. He must rebuild the facility, AND to teach him a lesson, he must also make a Macaroni Machine that will make macaroni. Is this clear with everyone?
*silence for several minutes*
Zora, Eréndira, and Chizu: *spontaneously begin breakdancing*
Nadine: I will take that as a yes.

So now, a few weeks later, Gusto finished both tasks, but on the first test run of his Macaroni Machine, he managed to wipe out the entire cannon facility again, so Eréndira was unable to make her regular trip to the tri-annual breakdancing competition, the prize money from which is one of the only sources of steady income for the ship, and as such we are out of Horn polishing solution.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Return of the Transmission!

Oh dear! Recently, we have been contacted by another stranger, who seems to be going by the codename of "SalAdSpinnEr11". Chizu was the one who received the call, again, and she called the ship's crew together. We decided to answer this strange radio transmission, so here is the conversation:

MInsrstrng: This is the vessel of Chizu, Erendira, Agent Pizza, Nadine, Zora, and the most adorable penguins in the world. Are you there?
SalAdSpinnEr11: Hello, anyone there? Do you have a shovel?
MInsrstrng: No, no shovels aboard.
SalAdSpinnEr11: HA! You just gave away that you are on a boat or vessel of some kind!
MInsrstrng: Well, yes, that happens to be the case. What's yo point, huh?
SalAdSpinnEr11: I am not going to say ANY MORE. That would alert you to the fact that I am planning to invade your boat.
MInsrstrng: Why are you planning to invade our boat?
MInsrstrng: Uh... never mind. Just answer the question.
SalAdSpinnEr11: Well, okay. You see, I don't have a shovel.
MInsrstrng: HONK! *radio static* Sorry that was Zora.
MInsrstrng: Anyway, we just said that we don't have a shovel.
SalAdSpinnEr11: I know.
MInsrstrng: Then why are you invading our ship?
SalAdSpinnEr11: To look for a shovel.
MInsrstrng: But we don't have a shovel!
SalAdSpinnEr11: Are you trying to confuse me? This is getting me nowhere! Just tell me your coordinates!
MInsrstrng: We are at 0, 0 latitude and whatever that other one is.
SalAdSpinnEr11: Okay thanks, glad to know that you guys are such good navigators! I will be there shortly!

The false coordinates were of course my ingenious idea. Hopefully, he has been thrown off the trail, but since Zora has been regularly dropping large fluorescent buoys in the water behind the ship, I am not hopeful. Well, at least we have the pirate procedure.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Two Gustos?

Alright, let's make this snappy, since I have shipwork to attend to. But basically, something TERRIBLE has just happened! You see, Gusto's identical cousin, Gusto, has come aboard our ship! It all happened in a fateful twist of events:

It was a fairly stormy night (about 64.36/100 on the Encyclophobaticsburg Storm Rating Scale) when the crew was mainly relaxing after a hard day's work of playing "Spot-a-Seagull". Zora was polishing a certain horn collection, Nadine was happily making paper snowflakes out of Chizu's Thermonuclear Reactor book, and Chizu was placing an order for a new copy of said book. Nobody knows what Eréndira was doing, as usual, and I was building an improved model of my beach-ball skis. Suddenly, there was a flash of lightning, and I saw the mast of a ship outlined in the fog. Calling all crew to alert, we went through our escape procedures, in case Hot Dog Silver had returned. However, it turned out to only be Gusto’s private yacht (guess who gave it to him? Hint: It starts with a “C” and ends with a “hizu”). Anyway, he came aboard and went into the cabin. Then, he came aboard and went into the cabin. As you may be able to tell, it’s a little confusing to see even such an evil penguin as this one doing the same thing twice, so I went to investigate, and discovered that he had brought his cousin aboard.

We (the ship’s crew, that is) called a meeting immediately, and for some reason Eréndira went off to make small embellished invitations even though everyone was already there. The rest of us decided that we would have to build a private spa to accommodate this newest member (strangely, now that I think of it, I think that was Chizu’s idea). First, though, we had to get the names straight. We decided to call Gusto’s cousin “Gusto II”, and as soon as that was decided, Zora blew a ceremonial horn and the decision was settled. Chizu began drawing up elaborate blueprints, and the rest of us went to Gusto’s room to tell him not to get up to much mischief.

As soon as we arrived, Gusto and Gusto II hastily hid some France travel brochures, and angrily demanded that we leave. We declared that we needed some sort of distinction between the two if Gusto II was to stay on board, and the whole event came down to a vicious stare-off between us. Suddenly, a spontaneous tidal wave of paper blasted into the room, and Eréndira proudly came in to show us her fabulous invitations (The front cover featured a flower pot with seventeen dolphins and a lamp sticking out of it, so I decided not to open any.)

Nadine had the brilliant idea of leaving Gusto and Gusto II to clean up, so in the confusion we escaped to the Conservatory, where Chizu was crying about some sort of “Out of Stock” page on the computer. At least we had escaped the little penguin menaces.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Day 12

I have just realized that we never covered day 12 of our journey. Luckily, I keep a small logbook in which I record the day and name of every day, but this was not enough. So I had to go deep into the ship and after going through the broken hydroponics facility, scientific lab, TV broadcasting chamber, ancient burial tomb, and dairy farmer lounge before finally coming to the cargo hold. This is where I found that we had used up most of the cargo hold's space to build the other facilities. I set about exploring the slightly cramped 6 square feet of space. Finally, I discovered the filing cabinet crammed between two alfalfa bales and a non-edible chunk of some glowing substance. That is when I realized that the file for day 12 was missing, and saw a small note attached that read "Costa Rica: The Place to Be". I recognized this as one of Gusto's travel brochures which he had hid all around the ship after Chizu became suspicious that he was not really going to Antarctica. I went to the little freak's room and asked him, but he threw bricks at me until I left. I don't know why he has so many, but that is a matter to be resolved later. I figured that, at this point, I had to sneak up on him, so I disguised myself as a pizza delivery man and knocked on the door. Unfortunately, he realized that there was no pizza deliveries in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, so he kicked me out again, but luckily not before I managed to steal the entire contents of his room. I searched through them and found the file, but unfortunately he seemed to realize what was happening somehow, and sent me flying off the ship. I was forced to climb aboard, but I found out that I had lost the paper. Searching the sea with Nadine's Loch Ness Monster Brand Telescope, I saw it floating in the middle of a pod of orca whales. It was then that I realized my only hope would be to swim out and get it, but luckily everybody's favorite penguin presented himself at this moment, apparently being "walked" by Chizu. He looked very unhappy about it, but I grabbed him and sent him flying into the pod of whales, which caused the piece of paper to be stabbed by his beak. While he was swimming back, I had to deal with an irate Chizu, btu I explained that I was just giving him his exercise, and fortunately Zora came out of her cabin at that point and began telling Chizu in great detail about her spotless spotted horn collection. I managed to steal the paper from Gusto, and I finally got back down to my cabin to type it up. Here is the entry for the twelfth day of our voyage:

Today Eréndira got the autograph of a passing eel.
I was profoundly moved after reading it.

Friday, March 25, 2011

I told you

I TOLD you that Gusto would be trouble, and now look what he's done!
That little penguin has just managed to destroy my entire room, in a large "Accident".

You see, Gusto came to me the other day. This was our conversation:

Me: "Oh, brother. What do you want, Gusto?"
Gusto: "Oh Agent, I am so sorry! I just wanted to apologize for my present I gave you when I got back!"
Me: "Oh, so you're sorry that you gave me a box full of scorpions? About time!"
Gusto: "What? What do you mean, scorpions?"
Me: "WHAT SCORPIONS? I mean those deadly scorpions you put in that box!"
Gusto: "Huh? That's funny, they must have snuck in there on the way back..."
Me: "Sure... Well, we'll discuss that later. If not the scorpions, what do you want to apologize for?"
Gusto: "Oh, I was sorry about the broken hinge!"
Me: "WHAT? Compared to the contents, the hinge was fine! Why are you sorry for that?"
Gusto: "No! I'm so sorry! I just couldn't sleep with the guilt! Please accept my apologies!"
Me: "What are you up to this time?"
Gusto: "So you forgive me? Thanks!"
Me: "Hold on, I never sai-"
Gusto: "Wonderful! Here, take this present as a sign of my apologies!"
Me: "What? Uh... okay..."
Gusto: "Well, see ya!"

Then he ran out of the room. The present was a large red box that seemed to have no hidden traps, so I decided to open it. Inside there was just a bunch of gray powder, which blew all around my room and got caught in the cracks in the walls. I realized this must just be another of Gusto's tricks, so I threw away the box and tried in futility to remove the dust. Finally I decided to go to Chizu and try to make her see sense about her rampant pet.

The meeting did not go well. Chizu refused to look up from her book for most of the time, and when I finally got her to stop studying thermonuclear reactors, she claimed that Gusto was a harmless, nice-spirited penguin who was kind enough to give everyone souvenirs. I was about to open my mouth and inform her that she was the only one who had kept hers; everybody else threw theirs away the day after receiving them. Unfortunately, she angrily shoved me out of her room and locked the door, so I walked resignedly back to my cabin.

When I was almost down the hallway to my cabin, I heard someone shout behind me. Upon turning around, I spotted Gusto, who immediately threw a a lit candle at me and yelled "Oops! Agent, catch!" with an evil little smirk. Of course, I couldn't catch it with so little warning, and the candle smashed onto the floor of my room. At that moment, Nadine rounded the corner to tell me that we were missing a bag of gunpowder for the cannons, when the entire room exploded in an enormous flash.

Once I regained conciousness, which I was told was 6 minutes later, Everyone was crowded around me and all the humans seemed worried (note how I said "all the humans"). I sat up and accused Gusto of putting gunpowder all over my room, but he feigned innocence and Chizu defended him, so finally all the rest of us gave up accusing him and we had to go about normal business.

I have spent all my time since rebuilding the room, and whenever I see Gusto, I always see his tongue sticking out of the corner of my eye, but for some strange reason this doesn't happen when Chizu is around. Strange.