Thursday, June 2, 2011


Just a quick thank you to all of you devoted fans who sent in Horn-Polishing Solution in response to our last post! It means a lot to think that all of you are such amazing followers, and even more amazing is that you had Horn-Polishing Solution (or similar) on hand! Here is what we have received in the mail so far:

1) A Dirty, smelly sock containing a live cobra and embroidered with the words "To Agent Pizza. My regards, G__t_" But there were some holes in part of the last word. Not sure who sent it, but I'm sure they meant well.
2) One bottle of "Kennie's All-Purpose Cleaning Solution" with small print reading "Only to be used on traffic cones and chalkboards".
3) One broken bottle that seems to have contained some sort of tar-like substance.
4) A nightstand made of toothpicks and marshmallows, or rather, what little remains of said nightstand.
5) Three rather confused-looking pelicans.
6) A salt shaker.
7) A round, black device with some sort of fuse sticking out, that seems to be on fire. Perhaps an exotic candle design.
7) A "LOST CAT" poster featuring a picture of a Christmas Tree. There's an autograph and message reading "This was all I had on hand" on the back.
8) Two strange bits of a fabric-like material, one with "us" on it, the other with "o" embroidered in the fabric. Very strange.

So as you can see, we got a total of 9 helpful gifts, but unfortunately none of them are very helpful.

Hold on a moment, I think I can hear a loud rumbling noise coming from a lower deck. And somebody seems to be shouting "What idiot put a bomb in the mail room?". Hmm... must be a loud radio program or something.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Consequences of a Horn

Well, as I told you guys before, Gusto managed to destroy the main source of revenue for the ship, and as such, we are out of horn-cleaning fluid. Now, you may think this does not have any real problems attached to it, but a thorough look at Zora would reveal otherwise. You see, Zora is very proud of her spotless spotted horn collection, which is extremely large, and she likes to keep them in perfect and spotless condition. Unfortunately, when we ran out of horn-cleaning fluid and were unable to buy more via Delivery Squid, Zora became highly distressed and was unable to say anything but "Honk" for a day. Not that she ever says anything else, but still. It was tragic.

Unfortunately, it turns out that one of her most prized horns is one of the few Pambom horns on the face of the Earth, which come from the rare Pambom plant. The Pambom is a picky vine that will only grow on Palm trees at exactly 46 meters above sea level, but for it to successfully bloom, it must move downward exactly 1.5 meters every month after sprouting. Thus, it will only grow on Palm trees that are on a slow-moving landslide, and such an occurrence is hard to come by. But once the vine does come to a bloom, the flower will wait for approximately 19 days before the petals fall off and a single horn emerges, which is harvested as a Pambom horn. By the way, the Pambom plant was named such because of the Acronym "Prettiest And Most Beautiful On Maui", because the first Pambom seeds originated in Maui and it is a very beautiful plant.

Now, the horn is very special, because it contains a rare combination of poisons that are normally at the right levels to cancel each other out and become harmless. However, when dust settles on the outer shell of this horn, it is absorbed and upsets the levels of poisons, causing the substance to become highly toxic.

Do you see where this is going? If Zora can't clean her prized Pambom horn, then it will become very poisonous and release toxins into the air. And since Gusto has effectively cut off all of our horn-cleaning solution funds, it is only a matter of time before it becomes dirty.

So, that about sums up our dilemna. If anybody has a bottle of Horn-Cleaning Solution, we would be relieved if you could send it to us. We are currently located in the ocean.